Best. Blonde Joke. Ever.

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Best. Blonde Joke. Ever.

Postby GloveGuy on Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:13 pm

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Postby Fresh8 on Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:14 pm

That's a good one Golve guy... I won't even bother to find out who started it.. haha

U got me after the 3rd link... (Y)
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Postby dada on Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:17 pm

Decent one although I coulda predicted what it was after Sit's post.
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Postby Scotty on Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:22 pm

{huffing and puffing} i....found.............them{gulps in air}

Blonde Jokes!

Blonde Builder
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna" again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."
doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.


Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


Judi and Gayle
Judi and Gayle (both blondes) were at an auto show. There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear.

"Judi, why is the back end higher than the front?" Gayle asked.

"Don't you know ANYTHING?" Judi sighed exasperated. "If you've got the back up, then you're always going downhill!"


Tops Down
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down.

Ironing Accident
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back."

I Think…
There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.

They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.

Any Last Requests
Three women are about to be executed.

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.

The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"


Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slowly."

Poor Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out," he says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

New T.V
There was a blonde and she wanted to buy a TV and so she went to a store to buy a TV. She goes in the store and looks around and finds a TV she really likes.

She goes up to the man at the cash register and says "Hey can I buy this TV?"

The guy says "No, I don't sell any thing to blondes!"

Sad, she leaves the store but then as she is passing a salon she has a good idea ( for once) she thought "I am gonna dye my hair."

The next day she comes in the store with black hair she finds the TV and says "Hello. can I buy this TV?"

"No, I don't sell to blondes"

Well, this dyeing her hair a different color goes on and on at last she dyes she hair blue, comes in and says "Can I get a TV?"

"No, I don't sell to blondes." he said for the 6th time.

"But how do you know I am a blonde?"

"Because miss that isn't a TV, it is a microwave."





New Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Stuck on an Island
There are two blondes and a brunette on an island.

One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)...

The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat."

With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need a jetski."

With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.

The genie looks inquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

New Bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slowly."

Blow Job
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.

"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."

"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."

They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"

"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."

She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?" "Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.

"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks. "I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."

Cliffside Accident
After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff.

Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette.

After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight.

They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.

Well, they talked about it for a while but no one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump.

Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.

To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice.

She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.

After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!

The $50 bet
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.

"I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."



The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."



"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Planning WW2
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

Horse Rider
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.
Why So Stupid
Who Says a "Blonde" is Stupid?

When she took me to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left", she turned around and went home.

She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

When the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the "Any" key.

She thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.

When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said, "Cherry or Grape?"

She sat on the TV and watched the couch.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She was on the corner giving out potato chips, yelling, "Free Lays!".

She tried to drown her goldfish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and nearly starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.

She took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Under "Education" on her job application, she puts "Hooked on Phonics."

She thinks socialism means partying.

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of application forms where it says "Sign Here", she puts "Sagittarius".

She asked for a price check at the dollar store.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She stands up on an empty bus.

She studied for a blood test and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

She invented a solar powered flashlight.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends.

When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.

She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald's and said, "Hold the cheese".

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

She peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies.

She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.

When she got to the empty 4-way stop, she waited for the other 3 cars to get there.


Blonde goes Camping
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband,who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipmen tbefore setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event -hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can' tmake the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."


trust me they're worth reading (Y)
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Postby dada on Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:29 pm

Thats so fucking looooooong. Let me go make some tea and sit to read this.
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Postby Scotty on Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:32 pm

it's more than one :lol:
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Postby Num33Baller on Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:41 pm

dadamafia wrote:Thats so fucking looooooong. Let me go make some tea and sit to read this.


tea? wtf


are you phil jackson?

if you aren't... pansy!
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Postby dada on Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:44 pm

Num33Baller wrote:
dadamafia wrote:Thats so fucking looooooong. Let me go make some tea and sit to read this.


tea? wtf


are you phil jackson?

if you aren't... pansy!


Aint nothing wrong with some good ole mint tea. (Y)
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Postby Num33Baller on Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:54 pm

dadamafia wrote:
Num33Baller wrote:
dadamafia wrote:Thats so fucking looooooong. Let me go make some tea and sit to read this.


tea? wtf


are you phil jackson?

if you aren't... pansy!


Aint nothing wrong with some good ole mint tea. (Y)


Sorry bro... I'm a coffee man. Tea just doesn't taste right for me... like watered down water... i dunno.
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Postby Jugs on Sat Feb 04, 2006 3:56 pm

You fuckhead, you got me clicking (N)
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Postby Fitzy on Sat Feb 04, 2006 6:03 pm

wow that joke is soooo funny
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