Infomercials and how to improve them
Fri Oct 01, 2004 5:10 am
Anyone who knows me generally knows my sleep patterns are similar to certain types of bears. I stay awake as long as possible then just hybernate when I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Due to this, I've seen easily hundreds of infomercials over the years and I feel as though I'm a bit of an expert in the field, especially when it comes to selling magical vaccum cleaners or coat hangers. Here are some examples of what they're doing wrong, and what could be done to improve them:
What They Do
On most of these ads, the people advertising are either middle aged men or elderly women. Yes there is the occassional attractive girl that gets her 15 minutes of fame, but otherwise it's one of the above. They've always got a really cheesy grin on their face, and have absolutely convinced themselves that the World would be a better place if everyone owned a Countour Sleep System.
What They NEED To Do
All adverts, no matter what they're advertising should involve at least 5 minutes of un censored lesbian porn. The problem with these infomercials is that the only people awake at 5am are people like me who can't be bothered going to bed, let alone picking up the phone and buying something completley unnecessary. If they involved porn in some fashion I can absolutely guarantee that ratings would sky rocket and enough controversy would be generated to keep people interested for months.
What They're Doing
Trying to look respectable just isn't going to work. I mean this Proactiv commercial is advertising acne, thus far on this ad they've had Elle McPherson (with some queer quasi-French accent), Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and Vanessa Williams. All of them have been dressed respectably and spoken of how Proactiv can help people who suffer from acne, due to their own experiences
What They NEED To Do
FUCK THAT! What a waste of ass. You've got some of the hottest women in the World featured on an advert about somethin' as unattractive as acne and they're sitting there in turtle necks showing old pictures of them which I'm sure makes any astronaughts watching want to land and declare "One small step for man..."... basically these women need to strip. There's no other way around it. They could even get involved in the lesbian stuff I mentioned above, who knows. We want bikini's and maybe show a few of them sucking on lolly pops talking about how much sexier it is to not be a crater face.
What They're Doing
When you're watching an infomercial sometimes it can feel a bit like Groundhog Day. Every 20 minutes or so, the tape rewinds and they play the exact same thing over and over again. As I mentioned above, the sex appeal level is basically 0 so there's nothing basically keeping us watching again and again.
What They NEED To Do
The following things need to be involved in every single infomercial
Let me explain step by step:
Lesbians I mentioned them above, raises viewer figures (and other things), also provides an actual reason for watching/recording infomercials.
Bikini's This is for the attractive female celebrities that don't want to participate in the lesbian activities.
Tony Robbins Have you ever seen this guys infomercials? It's the only one of the entire lot that I watch and actually want to buy. He has some sort of strange "BUY ME NOW" attitude, I assume it's mind control.
A Fat Flamboyant Chef This is a guy basically to cook some food, prepare the oil for the lesbians to wrestle in and to be verbally abused by Tony Robbins for being fat. He'd do it, and the results could be fantastic.
Steak Knives This goes with the two above. Tony Robbins tells the fat chef to get motivated and to lose weight, the chef gets pissed off and slaughters everyone with the steak knives. It. Can. Not. Fail.
Anyways, I'm considering emailing this to Guthy Renker and seeing if they'd take any of my idea's on board, I'm hopeful but sometimes you just don't know. Perhaps they don't want to make money off of these commercials, maybe they just want to create a fantastic televisual spectacle in hope of winning an Oscar or something for their amazing work. Who knows, either way if I do email these idea's I shall include updates.
If anyone has any other input add it here, then slap yourself for trying too hard.
What They Do
On most of these ads, the people advertising are either middle aged men or elderly women. Yes there is the occassional attractive girl that gets her 15 minutes of fame, but otherwise it's one of the above. They've always got a really cheesy grin on their face, and have absolutely convinced themselves that the World would be a better place if everyone owned a Countour Sleep System.
What They NEED To Do
All adverts, no matter what they're advertising should involve at least 5 minutes of un censored lesbian porn. The problem with these infomercials is that the only people awake at 5am are people like me who can't be bothered going to bed, let alone picking up the phone and buying something completley unnecessary. If they involved porn in some fashion I can absolutely guarantee that ratings would sky rocket and enough controversy would be generated to keep people interested for months.
What They're Doing
Trying to look respectable just isn't going to work. I mean this Proactiv commercial is advertising acne, thus far on this ad they've had Elle McPherson (with some queer quasi-French accent), Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and Vanessa Williams. All of them have been dressed respectably and spoken of how Proactiv can help people who suffer from acne, due to their own experiences
What They NEED To Do
FUCK THAT! What a waste of ass. You've got some of the hottest women in the World featured on an advert about somethin' as unattractive as acne and they're sitting there in turtle necks showing old pictures of them which I'm sure makes any astronaughts watching want to land and declare "One small step for man..."... basically these women need to strip. There's no other way around it. They could even get involved in the lesbian stuff I mentioned above, who knows. We want bikini's and maybe show a few of them sucking on lolly pops talking about how much sexier it is to not be a crater face.
What They're Doing
When you're watching an infomercial sometimes it can feel a bit like Groundhog Day. Every 20 minutes or so, the tape rewinds and they play the exact same thing over and over again. As I mentioned above, the sex appeal level is basically 0 so there's nothing basically keeping us watching again and again.
What They NEED To Do
The following things need to be involved in every single infomercial
- Lesbians
- Bikini's
- Tony Robbins
- Steak Knives
- An overweight flamboyant chef
Let me explain step by step:
Lesbians I mentioned them above, raises viewer figures (and other things), also provides an actual reason for watching/recording infomercials.
Bikini's This is for the attractive female celebrities that don't want to participate in the lesbian activities.
Tony Robbins Have you ever seen this guys infomercials? It's the only one of the entire lot that I watch and actually want to buy. He has some sort of strange "BUY ME NOW" attitude, I assume it's mind control.
A Fat Flamboyant Chef This is a guy basically to cook some food, prepare the oil for the lesbians to wrestle in and to be verbally abused by Tony Robbins for being fat. He'd do it, and the results could be fantastic.
Steak Knives This goes with the two above. Tony Robbins tells the fat chef to get motivated and to lose weight, the chef gets pissed off and slaughters everyone with the steak knives. It. Can. Not. Fail.
Anyways, I'm considering emailing this to Guthy Renker and seeing if they'd take any of my idea's on board, I'm hopeful but sometimes you just don't know. Perhaps they don't want to make money off of these commercials, maybe they just want to create a fantastic televisual spectacle in hope of winning an Oscar or something for their amazing work. Who knows, either way if I do email these idea's I shall include updates.
If anyone has any other input add it here, then slap yourself for trying too hard.
Fri Oct 01, 2004 2:59 pm
You actually watch infomercials?
lol now watch as the lesbian option of the poll sky rockets
lol now watch as the lesbian option of the poll sky rockets
Mon Oct 04, 2004 12:36 pm
I'm a sucker for Tony Robbins.
Family Guy
Lois: OK, but this better not involve Tony Robbins.
*flashback, Peter walks up to a table where Tony is signing books*
Peter: Can you sign my book Mr. Robbins?
Tony: Tony Robbins hungry.
mouth opens up and he puts Peter in his mouth.
Family Guy
Lois: OK, but this better not involve Tony Robbins.
*flashback, Peter walks up to a table where Tony is signing books*
Peter: Can you sign my book Mr. Robbins?
Tony: Tony Robbins hungry.
mouth opens up and he puts Peter in his mouth.
Mon Oct 04, 2004 12:42 pm
Choosing Lesbians is very tempting, but I couldn't go wrong with picking the fat chef. Especially after seeing Chef Tony and his Miracle Blade (TM) that cut through drywall, bricks, and some guy's boot...If I was him, I'd sue the shit out of the other Australian guy that took his idea. Dumbass prick...god damn... 
Bum Bum Bum...
HERE HE IS!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111!11!!!!
Bum Bum Bum...
HERE HE IS!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111!11!!!!
Mon Oct 04, 2004 2:02 pm
Lesbians>world 
Tue Oct 05, 2004 12:28 am
did somebody say lesbians? 
Jae you obviously weren't around a few months ago when I created a thread abusing the absolute crap out of Tony Robbins. I've seen all those infomercials so many times, about 2-3 am onwards they tend to come on, so I've seen Jessica Simpson with bad skin, Tony Robbins talking about "Yes I can... blah blah" and the fat chef with the fully sick knives which can cut wood and the like. Hell he even cuts in half a tin can!
Other things on late night tv which are repeated at least 4 times a week are on chanel 10, an interview with Sisqo talking about his "new" album, featuring the "Thong Song", and an interviews with Kylie Minogue, Tina Arena, and that gay Lheanne Rhymes and Elton John duet one. I don't know why but I keep watching them
Jae you obviously weren't around a few months ago when I created a thread abusing the absolute crap out of Tony Robbins. I've seen all those infomercials so many times, about 2-3 am onwards they tend to come on, so I've seen Jessica Simpson with bad skin, Tony Robbins talking about "Yes I can... blah blah" and the fat chef with the fully sick knives which can cut wood and the like. Hell he even cuts in half a tin can!
Other things on late night tv which are repeated at least 4 times a week are on chanel 10, an interview with Sisqo talking about his "new" album, featuring the "Thong Song", and an interviews with Kylie Minogue, Tina Arena, and that gay Lheanne Rhymes and Elton John duet one. I don't know why but I keep watching them
Tue Oct 05, 2004 12:41 am
Dr. James wrote:Lesbians>world
yeah!
Tue Oct 05, 2004 7:07 am
Did somebody say lesbians? Sweet! Woot!