I Need Help with coping with a loss of a friend

[bowdown]

My childhood friend from India passed away a few days ago. He was 21 years old. I feel so confused right now. There is this part of me that wishes I could cry openly with others that have lost him as well, but I live in America and I feel like I am all by myself. I want to mourn him openly to show my respects for the great friend I had but I have no one to relate this loss with. Whenever I laugh or feel happy about something these days, the thought of his demise pops in immediately and I feel so GUILTY because I feel like I am disrespecting him. How do I get over this feeling? Such a young bright futured friend of mine died. His parents and his brother, who is also my friend must be living through a nightmare. I cant imagine being happy for even a second while they are still not over the shock. I have shed tears over this incident but I feel like it is not enough. I feel horrible and don't feel like doing anything positive for myself. I just needed a place to share this. I dont have friends that I see on a regular basis in real life so this is as close to sharing as I will get without feeling I am wasting someone's time.
I moved to USA 4 years ago at age 14 and that was the last time I saw him. We were in touch through emails and occasionally through phone.

PS: He collapsed while doing cardio on the treadmill. The gym owners delayed getting him help and thats probably why he died.

[J@3]

How do I get over this feeling?

Time. You said it was only a few days ago and really it's understandable you're feeling the way you do. If anything it'd be strange if you weren't feeling like that. The thing about having no one to relate to, is that you do have people to relate to. They don't have to have known the guy, but at some point everyone has or will experience a friend dying. It's just a fact of life, so if anything they might understand how you're feeling more than you realize. It could just be a case of you opening up to someone and telling them what you're going through.

As far as feeling guilty about being happy goes, I think you know internally you shouldn't feel that way. There's nothing to be guilty about, you haven't done anything wrong and really no friend would want you to be miserable for their sake. But like I said, I think you know this but being so emotional and stuff is clouding that sort of thing. And as I said before that's completely understandable.

The key is to realize what you're going through isn't unusual or something you won't get through, it's just a process people go through when traumatic things happen. You really should talk to someone about it, whether it be your parents, your friends or even his family. No matter what you do it's going to affect you for a long time, but the severity of it won't be permanent. It's been a few days, just try not to panic or stress about how you're feeling and try to ride out this initial period because that's when everything is at its strongest. After a while things will gradually get easier and the extremity of the thoughts you're having will subside. Regardless though, talk to someone around you for sure.

[Andrew]

Sorry to hear it, my condolences.

As Jae said, it's just going to take time. It's not going be alright after only a few days, you need to grieve and let that grief run its course. There's no reason to feel guilty (though I understand where you're coming from - I lost a friend to suicide a couple of years ago and everyone who knew him wished they knew what was going on inside his head and that we could've helped him) but that feeling will pass as you work through your grief and come to terms with it. It's OK to feel sad, but it's also OK to feel happy too. Indeed, it would probably help to reflect on some happy times you've had with your friend, at a time like this you need a bit of a pick-me-up.

I also agree that talking with someone could definitely help. There are obviously others who share your pain, if you can all be there for one another then no one has to cope alone.

[shadowgrin]

Sad to know about that man. No need to feel guilty about it.
It's a learning experience, to know that some things are just beyond your control and you can do nothing about it but live your life and hopefully prevent something like that from happening again if you're in a position to do something about it.
Had a friend who died in a car crash because the driver was drunk. He died along with three of his school friends (one of them is the driver).
Everytime me and the mates meet together, we still have a great time but once in a while we talk about him and reminisce the good times with him. You can't hold your life back because of what happened.

[Modifly]

My condolences to you. Like what Jae and Andrew have already said, it will take some time to heal the feeling. In the meantime you should not put yourself in the position where you're thinking about it night and day. I know it sounds hard but you have to try to not think about it too much because there isn't really anything you can do about his death. Talking and expressing your feelings with others will definitely help. Try not to stay alone until you feel better as you might put yourself in the position I've already mentioned above.

[cyanide]

Sorry to hear about that, and you have my condolences.

You mentioned that you feel guilt, but you need to understand why you feel guilt. You didn't cause his death, you've mourned for him, and if anything, he wants you to enjoy life and to be happy. He would know that you have tremendous respect for him, and he wouldn't want to hold you back.

As everyone mentioned, give it time to go through the process, and surround yourself with supportive people.

[Fresh8]

All the advice here is spot on. I just want to say that you should just ensure that whenever you may feel down, you need to seek out someone to have a chat with you about how you are feeling. It's tough to cope with the loss of a loved one. If you are finding it too hard to cope or if you aren't/don't feel like you are getting better, I would recommend seeking professional help (only if required).

Good luck. Just don't feel ashamed to seek help when you need it.

[bowdown]

Thank you everyone for responding. I certainly do hope that I will be able to think of his death and only be reminded of happy memories instead of feeling down. I hope his family can do the same and move forward with a positive outlook.