http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/sto ... ons/020124Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages ... I will now let loose the greatest theory ever unleashed on Page 2, something that even surpasses the stark, overwhelming power of The Ewing Theory. My buddy Joe House and I hatched this plan four years ago on my old website, and it's the only way "All-Star Saturday" can be saved. You ready?
H-O-R-S-E Every hoops junkie has played roughly two million games of HORSE over the course of his basketball life. It's the greatest game of all-time. This isn't even an argument -- it's an out-and-out fact. Everyone loves HORSE.
Nobody loves HORSE more than me. Back in the day, when my buddy Bish and I played HORSE during every available recess period in high school, I had three money-in-the-bank shots at my disposal ...
* 1. The free throw facing the other way, shot over my head (swish).
* 2. The 15-foot bank shot while sitting Indian-leg style (thud swish).
* 3. The 3-pointer from the right corner while standing out of bounds (behind the baseline, so the shot basically went over the backboard ... swish).
... as well as a surprisingly reliable halfcourt shot. Meanwhile, Bish scouted me well and relied on moves that took advantage of the fact I couldn't jump over a Sunday newspaper, that funky "touching the backboard while doing a reverse layup"-type crap that always screwed me up. It was a battle for the ages -- a Chamberlain-Russell prep school thing. You really had to be there. It was almost worth going to our next class covered in sweat and smelling like Vlade Divac after a triple-OT game, just for the chance to beat Bish with a half-court jumper for an "E."
Hey, everyone has his own HORSE memories. But there's a reason HORSE would work on All-Star Saturday: NBA players love playing HORSE almost as much as they enjoy playing video games. Ever attended a practice or pregame shootaround? If you did, you would notice that NBA players are always playing stupid games and trying to sink improbable half-court shots. They're like giant, oversized kids. Heck, when The Basketball Jesus was coaching the Pacers, he still played HORSE with his players after practice. As Dr. Sam Loomis once said, "What more do you need?"
So why has the league ignored this for 20 years? Who knows?
But I do know this ...
Every NBA superstar -- repeat, every superstar -- would enter a HORSE contest. The bragging rights would transcend anything we've seen since the dunk contest still had its fastball in the mid-'80s. You're telling me you wouldn't want to see White Chocolate facing off against Paul Pierce in a no-holds-barred game of HORSE, with Barkley, Kenny and Ernie announcing? We could even schedule a Legends HORSE contest as a warmup. Magic vs. Larry Legend, one last time? Would anyone be able to topple The Man, the King of half-court shots and left-handed 3-pointers back in the day, back when he ruled everyone and everything that was holy? Just thinking about it makes me woozy.
(Little-known fact: Bird used to get his legendary butt kicked by a reserve forward on the C's named Michael Smith in HORSE contests in the late-'80s; Smith was the greatest HORSE player of all-time -- he could make shots off scoreboards and shot clocks and stuff. Of course, he averaged 5.0 points per game for his career, but that's beside the point. He looked The Man in the eye and didn't flinch. You have to hand it to him. And yet I digress ...)
Here's the point: Every player in the league would want to win a HORSE contest on All-Star Weekend. You would see shots from midcourt; shots from underneath the scorer's table; shots from David Stern's lap; shots from Mariah Carey's cleavage; shots while swinging from Allen Iverson's gold necklace; and if the trash-talking got heated enough between the players' posses, you might even see actual shots.
How can they give us 2-Ball and miss the boat on HORSE? Strangely enough, in the mid-'70s, CBS aired a halftime HORSE contest ... and it was my favorite show to watch as a kid other than "Scooby Doo" (before Scrappy Doo came aboard and irrevocably killed the cast's chemistry). In the CBS shows, Paul Westphal used to make bank shots off Brent Musberger's face. I'm not kidding. Westphal was awesome. He was the man. He was otherwordly. And given that they filmed those episodes 25 years ago and I still remember them ... well, what does that tell you?
So here's one final plea to the NBA powers-that-be, just in case David Stern somehow stumbles across a copy of this column:
Yo, Commish ...
I understand why you brought back the dunk contest as a Vince Showcase. I understand why you feel the pathetic need to hype the WNBA with 2-Ball or three-on-three, even though everyone hates them with a passion normally reserved for telemarketers and cold sores. I don't mind the rookie game. I love the All-Star Game. I even enjoy the stay in school jam, if only because it once offered an actual duet with Kobe Bryant and Tyra Banks (9.8 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale). But I can't understand how you continually miss the boat with HORSE.
We'll give you one more mulligan this season and that's it. After next month's All-Star Weekend (Feb. 9-10 in Philly), please do the following things:
# 1. Junk the dunk. Make it an "Every Three Years" thing. And if you're not going to junk the contest, at least show us Dikembe Mutombo's reactions to every dunk. At least give us that.
# 2. Hold the rookie game and the 3-point contest at the exact same time. You could have 3-point shooters scurrying off the floor every time there's a fast break, just like in real life at any local YMCA.
# 3. Keep WNBA players away from All-Star Saturday unless you're staging a "Who can blow out their ACL fastest?" competition. I mean it. Keep them out. It's bad enough we're subjected to WNBA promos during NBA games. Don't mess with me on this. This makes me violently angry. I'm not alone here.
# 4. Finally, bring back the damned HORSE contest. You can even take credit for the idea from me and Joe House. I don't care. Just bring it back. Trust me.
And when it becomes a runaway success, and you feel the need to have a spinoff media game, you know where to reach me. There's no way Vecsey and Aldridge ever make my Indian-leg 15-foot banker. Not in a million years.
Give 'em an H ...
Should be fun to watch.
