Disorder in the court

Disorder in the Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:! And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until! the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITN! ESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNES! S: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
_________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until! the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

shit Weaver you know somebody who does this stuff in court?

pretty great stuff there mate

Lol that was a good laugh

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

those were my faves

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNES! S: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Last one was awesome
As a matter of fact, they all were.

Hmmmm.. maybe the process of getting a law degree in the States should be made more challenging...

Thank god I have yet to witness something like that in a courtroom, etiquette would go right out the window and everybody would burst out laughing, including the judge...

funny stuff. title seems like it was made by coolmac though

Dweave, is it true the judge plays with himself/herself during the hearing under his/her desk?

Someone actually got arrested for that in Alabama.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITN! ESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

well ive seen some females before with more of a beard than some men

Holy shti those were hysterical.

^^But you still wouldn't call her a 'he'..

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

Just looked at this one again, and isn't it possible that they had some sort of common person (like a psychiatrist for example) that was holding their marriage together?

It's pretty obvious what they meant, Dahl.

Yea, I'm feeling picky today though.. So don't push me, or you'll have to face the wrath of true pickiness; and trust me, you don't want that (Actually, I don't really care, I'm just really bored at the moment)

.. oh man .. i nearly cracked a rib and I'm only halfway through

I've read these before somewhere a long time ago, they're hilarious.

The last one is by far the funniest!!

wow , all of those are funny a hell . good stuff there.

Dweave, is it true the judge plays with himself/herself during the hearing under his/her desk?

Only if teh case is extremely boring.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Those ones and the last were my favourites...

LMFAO, I'm about to go buy that book loooooool.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

boy oh boy. i pull this one not so long ago. and i am no lawyer

They're funny and all, but I have my doubts that they're all true accounts since similar versions have been popping up in joke books and whatnot for some time.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

I don't get this one, well I get why the question is funny but why is the answer funny?

clarification. western jokes are a bit high at the comprehension scale unlike our eastern jokes here mate. we tend to love at physicality at its best. they seem to laugh at spoken or worded jokes