Post your favorite jokes

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None silly, feminists can't change shit.

probally that one that Jackal posted a long time ago about the peopel getting captured by cannibals maybe i'll psot it later, unless he does
or this one from South Park- Click Me (warning theres a little bit of "Language")

I've got a joke.

Two elephants fell off a cliff. BOOM BOOM!

Hardy...har...har?

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

Man Falls Asleep At Church...

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

The Big Test

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill,
and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved
before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get
the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill
her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man
for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this
gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in
his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the
trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We
must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what
the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find
your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after
another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with
the chair!"

And ofcourse, my favorite:

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

And ofcourse, my favorite:

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

ha thats the one i love it

All of those was very good there Jackal. The last one is the one that I like the most though.


Mazzocchi; That clip from SouthPark was very sick and desturbing and also very funny

the 'yo momma so fat, ugly, etc' are great. i'll post the link where there's a bunch of them when i find it. the dirty tasteless jokes books are classic

http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_momma_jokes.html
i saw assault on precinct 13 the other day.. i got a quick laugh out of a joke in that one:

a puerto rican and a black guy are in a car
who's driving?
the cops

Last edited by air gordon on Fri Feb 04, 2005 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, that's a cruel one, but still funny
The last one Jackal posted had me laughing a few minutes

How can an elephant commit suicide?
He stuck his trunk in his ass, farts, and his brain explodes.

i don't have jokes, i have top 100 quotes

http://bash.org/?top

That police one was mean, but I have to say it was very funny
The elephant one was just plain weird.

This one kind of reminds me of Jackal's, and I heard this a looooooong time ago, maybe you'll get it, maybe I'll look dumb..


There's 3 gay guys in hell. The devil stands before them and tells them when he puts his hand on their crotch, their nuts will melt. So he goes to the first one, puts his hand on the guys crotch, and his nuts melt. He goes to the second guy and puts his hand on the guys crotch, and it melts. Then he goes to the 3rd guy and puts his hand on the guy's crotch. Nothing happens. The devil asks, "Why don't your nuts melt?" The guy replies, "These melt in your mouth, not your hand." ...


eh? eh?









There's a blond, brunette, and a redhead in jail. They all escape from jail and find 3 potato bags. They each hide in one. The cops come to investigate, and kick the first back. The redhead says "Meow" and the cops see nothing odd about it. Then the kick the second bag, and the brunette says "Meow" and the cops see nothing odd about it. Then they kick the 3rd bag, and the blond says "Potato".