The Chuck Norris Appreciation Thread

by **Matt** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 3:46 am

Some of these are classic!!!!

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't root with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the poo out of little kids.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living poo out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poo it out solved.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

by **BIG GREEN** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 3:50 am

I saw this before..they have one for vin diesel and such. Provides a chuckle or two.

by **Matt** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 3:53 am

Chcuk Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a sweet jebus Indian.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t sweet jebus think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t ever waste my time again.”

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once snorted a line of crack off his own penis. The rush instantly killed him, however neither Heaven nor Hell could handle Norris, so he was sent back to Earth.

Chuck Norris has lived long enough to have seen the birth of Jesus Christ, he wasnt impressed

Chuck Norris wrote every song that 50 Cent ever sang.

Once Chuck Norris had cancer, due to it his beard had fallen off. So ashamed of not having his manly beard, he put on a black wig and renamed himself Steven Seagal through 1980-2000

by **cyanide** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 4:02 am

Some of these are surprisingly funny :lol:

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

I'm trying to figure that one out.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

wtf?

by **Matt** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 4:04 am

there's also a MR T one....here are some classics from that

Mr. T pitied your daddy. That's why he drinks.

Mr. T was asked to replace Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker in "Return of the Jedi", but turned down the role after producers would not change the script from, "May the force be with you," to "I pity the fool."

Mr T's favorite song was MC Hammer's "Can't touch this." When trying to write his own songs, he kept coming back to the phrase "Stop, T time." and numerous times he missed the irony of the situation, He did not like Tea.

-Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity,"

Mr T once had to pitty himself for wearing his gold chains while swimming. He sank to the bottom of the ocean and then ate Moby Dick.

Originally the A-Team was named The T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode

by **Matt** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 4:12 am

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

by **Andreas Dahl** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 4:48 am

There are some really good ones in there (y)

Now if it wasn't for the fact that Chuck Norris sucks, they'd be a lot better :wink:

Got any more?

On a side note, I've read several times that he once challenged Bruce Lee to a fight, in which Bruce of course kicked the shit out of him... Does anyone know if this is true, or just a made up story that people caught on to?

by **J@3** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 4:52 am

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoke 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

As far as I know the Bruce Lee story is fake. These guys were students of martial arts, and of course the first thing they learn is to not go out seeking to use it on people. Apart from making movies and exploiting it I suppose.

They did fight each other in a movie, but obviously it was all acted so the outcome was scripted.

by **Cable** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 6:09 am

Chuck Norris is huge at my school, but I don't know why. We slipped a slide of Chuck Norris into our science presentation last week :lol:

by **BIG GREEN** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 6:45 am

cyanide wrote:Some of these are surprisingly funny

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

I'm trying to figure that one out.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

wtf?

thats fuckin hilarious..hehe.

by **Cable** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 6:52 am

I remembered one I don't see there.

Chuck Norris went back in time, killed his father and impregnated his mother. No-one fathers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

by **cyanide** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 7:30 am

Cable Guy wrote:Chuck Norris went back in time, killed his father and impregnated his mother. No-one fathers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

I guess that one explains this one:

cyanide wrote:Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

by **King James #23** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 7:42 am

Cable Guy wrote:Chuck Norris went back in time, killed his father and impregnated his mother. No-one fathers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

Where did you find these?

by **Its_asdf** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 7:51 am

Once Chuck Norris had cancer, due to it his beard had fallen off. So ashamed of not having his manly beard, he put on a black wig and renamed himself Steven Seagal through 1980-2000

Awesome. These are pure awesomeness.

by **j.23** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 7:57 am

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

damn straight, that has to be my favourite one yet. :lol:

by **Emiliano** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 8:44 am

This is hillarious :lol:

Great find (Y)

by **Laxation** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:11 am

chuck norris can slam a revolving door

yesterday at the big day out there was this huge screen with sms's that people had sent in, and there were some chuck norris ones, it was funny (Y)

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

gotta love that one

by **Dean** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:37 am

This is awesome. I was laughing for about 10 minutes lol.

My favourite one was:
"If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death."

and "Chuck norris isnt hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris"

Pure gold.

by **hipn** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:52 am

Who exactly is Chuck Noris, and what does he do?

by **ixcuincle** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 9:56 am

He was an american actor who played in such TV classics as "Walker , Texas Ranger".

My favorite are these 2 :

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

And who can forget this?

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Over 5 pages of chuck norris facts are located here : http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

Don't know if you are aware of it but Jack Bauer of 24 fame has his own facts.

http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer doesn't like it when people copy Chuck Norris facts and substitute his name. He will gundown your family for that.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

by **Mazzocchi** on Mon Jan 30, 2006 10:12 am

This one isnt on the list (unless my friend made it up)

"Chuck Norris once took a big group of Nuns up to the Catskill mountains one weekend and had sex with all of them. 9 months later they gave birth to the 1971 Miami Dolphins, the onlyu Undefeated football team in NFL history."
:lol: