The Do's and Don'ts of living in England

by **J@3** on Sat Mar 13, 2004 2:48 pm

Hello. This list is compiled by an Australian with first hand knowledge of living in England. A peculiar little country that doesn't have too many fans. Perhaps this thread will change that. I doubt it though.

The Do's
1. Do buy shedloads of hair gel. Even if you're balding. Actually, especially if you're balding. To integrate and fit in with the English you need to cake on the gel, with no exceptions. The most popular hairstyle to gel your hair into, is the shark fin. It may look slightly like you have an erection on your head, but hey, that's England for ya.

2. Do attempt to learn a bit about the girlie but addictive sport that is soccer, otherwise known as football. This country has an obsession with football, strange considering that it's a sport they haven't excelled in since 1966... by the way, 1966 is to England what 9/11 is to the Americans.

3. Do try and understand what celebrities are over there. Gone are the days where to be famous you had to have actually achieved something. England is a country where someone can be famous due to possessing a pair of breasts. And an ugly pair at that. It's also a country where a washed up 90's Australian pop-star can completely restart his career with a #1 single after just spending a couple of weeks in a bush eating cockroaches.

4. Do go to an English pub. One of the redeeming things of the country is that you can go to a pub without being bashed up by the biker gang that has control of it. This is due to the fact that English biker gangs are wimps. It's still good though, provides a nice distraction from the weather

The Don'ts
1. Don't try and chat up women. It ruins it. Most English women can be absolutely gorgeous to look at, but then when they speak it sounds like a dyslexic prostitute with laryngitis. In any case, it's often easier to just get them into bed straight away. Just ask.

2. Don't expect them to know where you're from just based on your accent. While in England, most people thought i was American or Canadian, and it's actually more common for them to think you're from Wales or New Zealand than Australia. Oh btw, don't bother asking where they're from. Different parts of the country have different accents, it just becomes confusing after a while

3. Don't be scared of "football hooligans". In most cases, these are unemployed balding englishmen who ran out of gel in the morning and didn't have their breakfast cooked for them by their slave like wifes. You can spot these people by their fake gold chains, cheap tattoo's or more commonly, burberry baseball caps.

4. For the Australians. Don't mention the impending retirement of the English rugby teams forward pack. According to the country of England, they'll play til they're 100. Which is sometime next March. Also, try not to ask why rugby isn't as popular right now as it was when they actually won the World Cup. English people only support their national teams when they win, football being the exception. Just ask Tim Henman, or the cricket side

That concludes my list, sorry to any English people it offends

YouTube · by **Andrew** on Sat Mar 13, 2004 3:35 pm

I'm going to say "ouch" for England.

Welcome back Jae, to the country and the forum! (Y)

by **Nick** on Sat Mar 13, 2004 3:51 pm

Hahaha.

Good read.

Most English women can be absolutely gorgeous to look at, but then when they speak it sounds like a dyslexic prostitute with laryngitis.

Classic.

by **Bill Russell** on Sat Mar 13, 2004 4:12 pm

Welcome back and enjoy the ride, (Y)

by **Guest** on Sat Mar 13, 2004 7:20 pm

Jaev2 wrote: 2. Do attempt to learn a bit about the girlie but addictive sport that is soccer, otherwise known as football. This country has an obsession with football, strange considering that it's a sport they haven't excelled in since 1966... by the way,

So True

Jaev2 wrote:1966 is to England what 9/11 is to the Americans.

1966 is a year well celebrated and also our more recent 5-1 victory other the Germans. 9/11????? You sure, im not american, but im sure them guys dont look back at smile about that day, i bet they dont sell many T-Shirts!!

Jaev2 wrote:Do try and understand what celebrities are over there. Gone are the days where to be famous you had to have actually achieved something. England is a country where someone can be famous due to possessing a pair of breasts. And an ugly pair at that. It's also a country where a washed up 90's Australian pop-star can completely restart his career with a #1 single after just spending a couple of weeks in a bush eating cockroaches.

LMAO, again, so true. I really hate him, but atleast he didnt try aget on friggin popstars. ''whoawhaowhoa..................'' I cant believe he got to No1.

Jaev2 wrote:Do go to an English pub. One of the redeeming things of the country is that you can go to a pub without being bashed up by the biker gang that has control of it. This is due to the fact that English biker gangs are wimps. It's still good though, provides a nice distraction from the weather

This is one thing we have plenty off

Jaev2 wrote:Don't expect them to know where you're from just based on your accent. While in England, most people thought i was American or Canadian, and it's actually more common for them to think you're from Wales or New Zealand than Australia.

I dont know about that one, i would know where your from, i guess it depends whom you talk 2!

Jaev2 wrote:Don't be scared of "football hooligans". In most cases, these are unemployed balding englishmen who ran out of gel in the morning and didn't have their breakfast cooked for them by their slave like wifes. You can spot these people by their fake gold chains, cheap tattoo's or more commonly, burberry baseball caps.

The police have task forces to deal with the real 'hooligans', they end up getting banned from all the stadiums. Back in the late 70s early 80s it was a different matter

Jaev2 wrote:That concludes my list, sorry to any English people it offends

Im not offended in the least, your about 80% spot on

Where did you stay?

by **J@3** on Sat Mar 13, 2004 11:47 pm

Heh good to hear Wiggle, I stayed in Birmingham and then later on in Leicester, so you'll understand why some of the things i said aren't too complimentary. My favourite Peter Andre moment was when he spent like 20 minutes singing and goes "I really should get singing lessons"