If Santa Answered His Letters Honestly...

This is pretty old, but I've never run into it on these forums, so I figure it's worth a post...

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Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell.

Santa


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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa


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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me send you some Lego’s instead.

Santa


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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay.
I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa


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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa


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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses
of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa


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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping,
do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible?
Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.

Santa


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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,
PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,
but that crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.

Santa


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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house.
How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky",
that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like the bogey man
does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

Classic stuff here: the last 2 and the your parents smoked pot are my personal favorites...

I don't find it really funny... They seem like Knock-knock who's there jokes.

you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex.

lmao....these are good

Third, I get inside your pad just like the bogey man
does, through your bedroom window.

That part's my favorite, just because I can imagine how disturbing that would be for the kid

lol...i got a nice lil chuckle from this

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me send you some Lego’s instead.

Santa

That's my favorite one, especially when he says I'll get you Lego's instead.

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me send you some Lego’s instead.

Santa

That's my favorite one, especially when he says I'll get you Lego's instead.

haha same

I'm skipping your house.

Cold.

quite amusing

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses
of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

Gold. Great find to help us get into the holiday spirit I guess.

Funny stuff, I like the mommy and dad one